


Fate & Free Will

by if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, force user reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 19:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8026054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble/pseuds/if_i_go_there_will_be_trouble
Summary: A girl was born on a planet of slightly force-sensitive people, descended from Jedi who rebelled against the order hundreds of years ago.  She is taken by the First Order to be trained by Kylo Ren, and struggles with whether her people’s unquestioning belief in faith is true, or she has the right to chose for herself.





	1. Prophesy

My birth was prophesized.  

A child was to be born at an infertile, older woman of the council.  The child would be different than everyone else: able to move things without touching them, able to sense people’s emotions.  I was supposed to bring twenty years of peace before our world would end.

We accepted that, as a culture.  We learned to live with the inevitable.  

When I was born, the plants began to flourish with new life, bearing more and heavier fruit.  It became easier to exist on our planet, no longer an existence we had to struggle for, especially in the cold season.  

We shut off our ports to incoming trade, and did our best to prevent visitors.  Eventually no one came at all.  We lived quietly.  We lived knowing it would all end soon.

My mother would hold me at night, and point at the stars in the sky, reciting their names to me.  I fell in love with life, even more so as I was taught it would end soon.  

We were taught about fate and the illusion of freewill in school.  We were taught the ceremony rights and how to receive the gift from our elders.  We were taught how to believe wholly in fate.  We were taught old literature and math and science and anything that pleased us.  History, though, was not one of our studies.  We knew we would be given our history, our personal stories, when our parents died.  We were patient.  

When I was seven, I was playing with Dap’ne, my friend, in the orchard.  We were climbing the trees to get to the freshest fruit on top, snapping off the willowy branches to make crowns.  And then she fell.  She fell from the highest branch and down, down, down to the ground.  I felt something move in me, and I moved her.  She slowly settled down on the ground, and I rushed to her, cradling her in my arms.  

When I was fourteen, I began to feel other people’s emotions.  I began to feel every loss and excitement and anger and frustration and serenity.  I couldn’t take it.  I began to spend most of the days away from my village, away from my mother and Dap’ne, in solitude in the mountains.

I would spend the days tracing the animals’ paths, and I began to wonder if when our world ended, as it was said to happen, their world would end, too.

When I was sixteen, Dap’ne’s father began to sicken and die from old age.  It was the first time I really came down from the mountains. I helped them gather firewood for the bonfire and watched as Dap’ne prepared herself for the ceremony.  She put on the robes and fasted all day.  She didn’t cry though.  You don’t cry at the loss of a loved one.  That was just the way the universe went.  Why cry over fate?

I watched her sit by her father, holding his hands in hers, as she recieved his memories.  That’s the way it was: memories passed down bloodlines, receiving the most important vestiges of our past.  Afterwards we all ate and drank and celebrated Dap’ne becoming a woman.  

The next night her father died.  No one mourned.

A few day from my twentieth birthday, the council invited me to sit with them at their late night meeting.  I took a place next to my mother.

“The First Order is coming in a few days.  They have requested landing coordinates.” My mother said to me.

“Who is the First Order?” I asked.

“A group of people who want to control the galaxy.”

I tried not a blush with laughter.  It was a serious matter.  Someone to be visiting so close to twenty years since I was born, after all these years we had been secluded?  But it was funny: someone thinking they could control everything.  It was just- stupid.  Ignorant. “It’s a bad omen, isn’t it?” I asked.

“We believe it might be the end we were told about.  There’s a lot to do before they come.”

“Like what?” I asked.

“We have to hold a final ceremony.” A councilman explained.

“What do you mean?” I asked.  I was confused, if no one were to survive, why pass along anything?  And to who?

“The prophecy states, in full, that a child would be born to an infertile mother, a member of the council.  This child would be more force-sensitive than any of us had been in generations.  And they would bring twenty years of peace, until our world would end.  But the child would continue on, with all of our history and future, in their hands.”

I turned to my mother, and tried to take her hand, but she missed my grasp as her hand went to her mouth to stifle a sob.

The next day I put on the ceremonial robes, and sat on the grass and watched the sun go down as the villagers built the bonfire.  I looked up at the stars in the sky and wondered why my mother ever told me their names.  I wondered why any of this happened, nay of this came to be, if it all was to end with only me to pick up the pieces.

One by one the villagers came and took the seat of the receiver by me.  I felt their emotions, their peace or anger or trust or happiness.  And one by one, person by person, until the dawn began to peek over at the scene, I took their memories.

Dap’ne smiled as she sat across from me, and kissed my lips lightly before giving me her hands.  

“Remember when you saved me from falling?”  She asked.

“I can’t save you now.”

“But you saved me then.” She responded, and gave me her memories.  

I saw all of it.  I saw how hundreds of years ago, a small minority of force-sensitive people had decided to rebel from the light side and the dark side, had decided to love and live and have children, all against the rules of their original order.  And they found a planet, somewhere they could be happy.  They lived there, accepting outsiders on occasion, until the force-sensitive children were born less and less and less, until all that was left was a vestige of an old people, an ability to pass along memories from person to person.  It became part of their ritual, it became part of society.  The last force-sensitive person, a man who looked like Dap’ne and kindness and the night sky foretold my birth, and the end of our world.  When he died, there was no one else like him for over three hundred years.  And then I was born.  Bad luck, I guess.  Bad luck to be born with a future that would be so lonely.  

I wore the robes out a sign of respect to my village as we waited by the landing site for the First Order.  I held my mother’s hand, and wondered how it would’ve, could’ve been if I had been born to a normal person in the village.  If I had lived a normal life.  But that was fate.  And fate was not to be argued with.

The ship’s door slid open, and a platform came down, a ramp forming for them to come off the ship on.  People in white armour, carrying guns, marched down the platform, creating a semicircle around the villagers.  And then a man, or what might have the form and stature of a man, came from the ship.  He wore long black robes and a metal mask, beaten and worn slightly.  

I stood, resolute, with my mother.  This is the way our world ends.  This is the way our world ends.  With a ship and black and white.  

“Where are they?” A mechanical, low voice asked the village.  “Where is the force-sensitive child?” He seemed  to step closer to us, and none of us moved to cower or in any motion of fear.  We weren’t prey.  We weren’t going down as prey.  This was fate.

My mother let down of my hand, and pressed her fingertips to my back, lightly moving me forward.

“I might be who you are looking for.” I said to the man.

He moved quickly in front of me, standing over me like a shadow, come to life.  He grasped my chin between with his hand, moving my face side to side.  “This is it.  Take her to the ship.  Dispose of the rest.”

I felt one of the soldier’s arms grab my bicep, and force me up the ramp.  And behind me, only a few feet back, I could hear the gunfire start, and some of my people gave out yells and screams.  I could only walk forward, move, my head unable, of its own accord (maybe to save myself later) stare only ahead.  Some part of me refused to look at my village, my family, Dap’ne and mother, die.

I was put in a small room, still wearing my ceremonial robes.

“Clean yourself.” The soldier who took me to the ship said.  He motioned to a small room with a metal arm coming out of the ceiling.

I nodded and disrobed, and stood underneath the heat of the water, turning my back to him to try and keep some shred of dignity.  When I turned around to gather up the robes I found that they were gone, replaced with some black, long pants and shiny boots, along with a shirt.  I put them on, feeling the weight of it all beginning to slide onto my back, bowing me to my new surroundings, as if I was caving in.

Those robes were worn for generations.  They were relics.  They were supposed to be kept and maintained and cared for and now they were gone.

Everything was gone.

But I refused to mourn.  I hadn’t learned how to mourn something like that.  It was just fate.  It was just that.  You couldn’t deviate from fate.

I sat on the small bed in my room, breathing slowly, carefully.  I thought of how mother would be in this kind of world.  How she would probably just wait patiently for the time to come that it would be obvious how to act and why to act.

The meals were delivered to my room three times a day.  I ate what I could, taking in the unfamiliar with the familiar.  Some of it made me sick, and I would end up gasping and retching over a basin in the washroom.  


	2. Doctor?

On the third day, a soldier took me from my room.  I couldn’t tell for the life of me if it was the same one as before.  The anonymity was probably having the effect it was supposed to have on me: I felt lonely, so lonely, and nervous and unsure.  

Finally, the soldier led me off the ship and onto a hanger, the walls lined with tie fighters and people marching in matching white armour.  I did my best to stand up straight, to seem in place, seem as if I could belong.  Ahead of me, the rest of the small group that massacred my town marched, led by the man in black.  Only one was out of order, the one that kept me in line.  

The order was almost disturbing, it shook me in some way.  People were meant to move at different paces, to different places, on their own path.  And these people moved all together, with schedules to follow.

The soldier took my down a hallway, the group of other soldiers went off into another hallway.  But the man in black was still ahead of us, marching.  

I was pushed into a large room after the man.  The door was closed on us.  I tried to stand up straight, tried to show no fear or hesitation.  This man was not to be toyed with, trifled with.  This man could end my life any second.  And I knew I had more to do for my people, or their memory.

“I’m going to ask you some questions.  You will answer them honestly, or I will know.”  The man said.  I waited, not sure if I was supposed to speak yet.  Judging by the aggression rolling off him like summer heat, I played it safe. “What is your name?” He asked.

“Y/N.” I responded.

“What is your planet and its history?”

“Daslo is a planet orbiting the star Zytra Seven.  It was populated by a small group of people, roughly over two thousand, who were descended from a minority of rebellious force-sensitive people and a majority of visitors and settlers, looking for somewhere to go.”

“Have you received any training for your abilities?”

“None.” I shrugged.

“What have you been able to master?”

“I can feel people- I can sense their emotions.  Sometimes I can move things.  I can recieve memories.”

“Move something.”  He instructed.

I glanced around the room, confused.  “I can’t move something unless it’s meant to be moved.  I can only move something if it intervenes with fate, if it seems like it will end a life that’s not supposed to be ended yet.  You can’t just-”

The man moved his hand up and began to gesture at a rack of weights on the wall.  I watched, almost in horror, as the whole rack became airborne.  

“Move something.” He repeated, letting the rack crash back to its place.  

I stared at the weights and tried to remember what it was like to move something without meaning to, be catch Dap’ne, to stop her fall.  But it was for nothing.  No matter how I tried the damn thing wouldn’t move.  I shook my head at the floor.  

“You aren’t trying.”  The man said.

“I told you- I can’t-” I began to say, and then I was lifted from my feet and slammed against the wall, something squeezing the air from my throat.  My eyes rolled in my head, my brain searching for a reason.  And there was the man, his arm up, his hand clutching at thin air, choking me from meters away.  

I began to lose consciousness.  I wondered if this was all I was meant for.  If this was it.  And then I felt the pressure on my throat dissipate, and I fell to the ground. In front of me, the man in black seemed to float in the air, as if gravity forgot to work on him.  Then he fell to the ground, catching himself easily on his feet, not crumpling like I did.  

“Do it again.” He said.

“I can’t.” I said, struggling for air.  I coughed hard, trying to remember how to fill my lungs slowly, but the breath was coming and going too fast.  I passed out on the floor.

I awoke under fluorescent lights on a thin cott.  My hands moved to my throat, and I felt the tenderness there.  I sat up quickly, trying to figure out where I was.  

“You had quite the encounter with Kylo Ren, didn’t you?” A man asked me, walking over to my cott and settling down on a free corner.  “Not everyone gets the life choked out of them.  Well, most have the good sense to run when he’s in one of his moods.”

“I couldn’t run.  Who brought me here?” I asked, simply.  

“Kylo Ren did.  Which is odd.  Usually we have to go out looking for his victims, we don’t get deliveries to make our jobs easier.”

“Who is Kylo Ren?  Is he the man in black?”  I asked.

“He does wear black.  He’s the force-sensitive apprentice of Snoke.”

My throat felt dry and scratchy.  I looked around for some source of water.  The man noticed and handed me a large cup.

“Thirsty?”  He asked.

I nodded gratefully and downed most of it in one go.

“So you’re not a stormtrooper, or an officer.  Obviously, since you don’t know who Kylo is.”

I didn’t reply, but continued to sip the water, slowly now.

“Who are you?”

“Y/N.  Of Daslo.”  I responded.

“What planet is that?”

“It’s near the Zytra star.  The closest habitable planet is Hoth.”

“If you call that ‘habitable’.”

“I’ve never been.  I’ve never left Daslo before.  My mother would just tell me.”

“Why aren’t you home with her?  You seem too young to be here, especially for no clear reason.”  The doctor said.  

“The soldiers in the white armour shot my village.  And then they took me.”

“You mean stormtroopers.” He corrected.  “What would Kylo Ren want with you?”  I felt his emotions move to sadness, pity, almost an empathetic hurt.  

“What would the First Order want with a kind doctor?”  I responded.

“Someone’s got to clean up the medical mess.  And it pays well.  I’ve got a wife at home and a new baby, and families aren’t cheap.”

I looked down at my empty glass, no longer so thirsty, but scared to go back to Kylo Ren.  He was volatile.  He could kill me.  He almost killed me just to get me to move something.  

“The bruises on your neck are almost gone already, thanks to some good luck and better medicine.  Some cream has been clearing it up over the last few hours.”

“Will I have to go back to Kylo?”

“I don’t know.” He said.  “And I’m sorry.”


	3. Enter Hux

I was dismissed by a droid nurse the next day.  I wanted to say goodbye to the doctor, but the droid insisted I just go back to my quarters.  

I lay in my bed in my quarters, wondering what would happen to me next.  If Kylo thought I had no purpose, would I be executed?  I stood and pressed the button to open my door and left my room, searching for somewhere I could stand for a little while, maybe somewhere with a view of the stars.  

I eventually found a small alcove at the end of a hallway, and stood looking out over the galaxy.  It was quiet for a time.  No stormtroopers were headed down this part of the ship today, and no officer seemed to care I was there, too busy trying to keep their schedules and meetings.

“Do you  often leave your quarters and come here?” Someone behind me asked.  I could already tell who is was by the mechanical voice, but decided not to turn to look at him.

“First time.” I responded.

“We have to continue your training.”

“Are you going to put me back in the medbay?” I asked.

“Supreme Leader Snoke had other ideas on how to inspire you.”

“The doctor told me about Snoke.  Will I ever have the pleasure of meeting him?”

“In all likelihood, yes.”

There was a pause between us.

“Did you find your care adequate?” He asked.

“More so than most of my treatment here.” I sighed.

“You seemed to like your doctor.”

“I just like people who don’t kill my family and strangle me.  I don’t have high standards.”

Kylo didn’t speak, and I was encouraged to fill the silence.  “I want him to live, have a good life, help his family.  I think that will happen.  He’s good at his job.  He’s a good man.  But, maybe I don’t know.  Maybe good men don’t survive here.”

“Come with me.” Kylo said.  I heard him stalk off, with heavy footsteps.  I turned from the stars and followed after him.

We came to the door of the training room, and he stood aside to let me enter first.  I nodded with some practiced manners I had been given by my old home and entered the room.  In the center of the room was a simple metal chair, and strapped to it was my doctor.  

I froze in something like surprise.  He was battered, to say the least.  His face bloomed with purples and yellows that made me sick, and his nose seemed askew.

“What did you do?” I whispered.

“What Snoke thought might inspire you.”

At the sound of my voice, the doctor moaned and moved his face towards me, but his eyes were to puffy to see much at all.

“Y/N?  Of Daslo?”  He groaned.  I came to his side and held his face between my hands.

“I’m here, doctor.  I’ll get you help.  I’m sorry, doctor.  So sorry.”

“Y/n, please,” he whimpered, “he won’t stop.  He won’t.  Please.  Just end it.  End it all.  I don’t know what he wants, I can’t give it to him.  But, please, please.  Kill me.”

“I’m going to get you help, I’m going to be here,”

“No, please, please, Y/N.” He mumbled.  “Please.  Please.”

I continued to hold his head in my hands, tears dripping down my face and splashing onto his lap.  I couldn’t watch this.  Couldn’t take this.  

I pulled on something, something based in pity and the necessity for mercy.  I felt the pumping of his veins, the movement of blood through him.  And I squeezed on the julgar valve, stopping blood flow to his brain.  

He stopped breathing.

He stopped moving.

He stopped living.

And I was at fault.

        I sat down slowly, cross-legged on the ground, looking out at the stars in the system I was in.  Last time I was here it was with Kylo, before he forced me to kill the doctor.  I shivered with the memory, trying to cast it off.  The universe wasn’t a fair one.  There was no fate or decisions or order to this.  It was pure chaos.  Entropy. I leaned against the windows and traced small circles on the glass.  It wasn’t what I imagined life would be like.  I thought life was supposed to end with my people.

“And you are?” A man asked, standing in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back.

I didn’t look up, continuing to draw little circles on the glass.

“Do not ignore me.” The man said again.  I glanced up at him and shook my head at his thin line of a mouth and auburn hair.  "Get her off of the floor,“ he commanded one of his storm trooper captains.  A hand wrapped around my upper arm and pulled me to my feet. I moved my head to the side and stared at the mask captain and the general, parting my lips a little to let out a sigh of air.

"And again, I ask you, who are you?” The man questioned me.

“Y/N.” I said.

“Why do we have a girl in the middle of my ship?” He asked, to both I and the captain.

“I was taken from my planet.  Kylo Ren took me.” I responded.

“Ah.” The general said, folding his hands behind his back. “You’re his apprentice.  And what are you doing out of training, out of your quarters?”

“I was dismissed for the day.”  I said.

“Then why are you not back in your quarters? Guard, walk this woman to her quarters.”

“Let me be.” I said.

“I will not have you just wandering around the ship.” He said.  "If she will not go to her quarters, return her to Ren.“

"Please,” I said, almost begging.

“Please what?” The general asked me, leaning over.  He almost intended to be threatening, but instead it came across as something else.  It wasn’t comical, far from that even.  It was in the gray area I always occupied.

“Do not take me to Kylo Ren.”

“He is your master.”

“I’m not going to be taken anywhere.” I responded. I looked at the captain in the mask, still holding onto my arm, and pushed with my mind, scared of being forced to go back to that man, and the captain shot against the wall, collapsing on the floor.  I kept her legs pinned to the floor as she struggled to get up.

“Let Captain Phasma go.” The General commanded.

“Promise you’ll leave me be.” I responded.

The General looked me over, and nodded, offering another deal, “Come with me for the next meal, in my quarters.  I cannot have you roaming the ship freely.  But I will allow you peace from Ren.”

I stood in his room, staring at the blank walls, the simple furniture.  There were two meals on a desk, with two chairs pulled up on either side.  I waited for him to take a seat before I took the other one.  For a time we were quiet.

“So what may I call you?” I asked the man, finally.

“General Hux.”

Again we lapsed into silence.

“You don’t like Kylo Ren?” Hux asked me.

“He me made kill my doctor.  He killed my village.” I stated, keeping to the concrete facts.

“He does his job quite well, when he wants to.” The General conceded.

“He stole it from me.” I murmured.  "Stole everything.“

"What did he steal, exactly?” Hux asked, shifting his head slightly to the side in curiosity.

“My faith.  My beliefs.  He took them.” I said.  I thought about how the world was supposed to move with order.  How everything had a predestined path, right down to the bits of ice that made slow circles around dying stars.  Pieces of furniture lifted off the ground, everything around the General and me becoming airborne.  He looked about in interest.

“Please take care not to ruin my furniture.”

“He undid the fate.  He went against how it should be.” I continued on to myself.

” ‘The fate’?“ Hux asked.

"What binds us all together: our places in our universe.  And Kylo killed the doctor, and the doctor was supposed to live.  He wasn’t done yet. And Kylo killed him.  He changed the plan.”

“Has that ever happened before?  A change in 'the plan’?” Hux asked me, still looking around at the slowly rotating room.

I began to wonder, and the furniture slowly returned to their places. “No, not that I can remember.”

“So was it the fate of your village to die?  Or did Kylo change that plan too?”

“That was what was supposed to happen.”

“And how was what happened to the doctor any different?”

“He was young and had a while to live.  People don’t just die before their time.”

“People die in accidents all the time.  People die for no reason, all the time.” Hux shrugged.

“Not where I’m from.” I responded.

“No one drowned or had a disease or anything on your planet?”

“Not while I was alive.” I said, looking back through the old memories. “If they died unexpectedly, we couldn’t have the ceremony. Part of us would be lost.  No one died like that while I was alive.”

“But it had to have happened.”

I looked through the memories, all of them.  I realized if they did die like that, their memory wasn’t passed on.  Their death was forgotten.  And that shook me again.  "People die before they should a lot, don’t they?“

"Ask the soldiers.  Ask anyone.  It happens all the time.” Hux shrugged.

“I didn’t know that.” I stared down at the plate in front of me, unsure of everything now.  For a moment I had started to blame Ren for the turn of my beliefs.  And now I was finding out they were completely unfounded.  

“It’s how things work.  There is no overarching plan.  No fate.  No sure-fire end to it all.  Why would there be?”

“Because I was told so.” I answered, quietly.

“Don’t believe everything you were brought up with.  It makes you weak, unable to adapt.  If you believe what you’re told and only that, you’re no more than those Storm Troopers.  You’re not a thinker.  Not a leader.  You’re another pawn.”

I shook with an epiphany.

I realized that my people, in order to remain on neither the light side nor the dark side, had come up with the idea of fate, the idea that you weren’t your thoughts or emotions or urges, you were a predestined piece of the universe.

They had tried to make sure no born force-sensitive person would fall apart at the seams, so they made free-will seem like a delusion.  They made it all seem planned out.

They used nihilism to reach a true neutrality.  

I know how to feel.  The only clear emotion was that of loneliness and loss.

“What were you brought up believing?” I asked the man.

Hux shrugged.  "I believed many things once.  I proved them all wrong.  That I was weak.  That I was a follower.  That I was without a purpose.  That’s all thanks to the First Order.  An order you should be thanking, as well.  Given how we gave you a second chance at life.“

"I know Snoke-”

“Supreme Leader Snoke, if you will.” Hux silenced, beginning to cut his dinner.

“Supreme Leader wants me to join his forces.  If I wasn’t important they wouldn’t expend energy on me.”

“Not stupid, are you?” Hux returned, taking a bite.

“Despite how little you think of how I was raised, I am not.” I threw back.

“And do you still think badly of Lord Ren?”

“More of a monster than a man, in my opinion.” I responded, taking a small bite of dinner as well.

“I would mirror those sentiments, except I would call him more of a temperamental child.” He smiled.

“You might change me over to your opinion.”

“I can be convincing if I want to be.”

“And what else would you convince me of?”

“For the time being, nothing.” He said. I offered him my hand.  He took it, and kissed it lightly.


	4. Challenge Your Beliefs

“Lift the weight.” Kylo Ren instructed me.  

I stared at it, but it didn’t move at all.

“Think of how your doctor suffered.  Think of having to kill him.”

I stared at it, but it didn’t move, again.

“Think of how your people suffered.”

The weight shot across the room, directly at Kylo’s head.  It held a few inches from his mask, as I continued to push it forward, and he held it back.

“Better.” He declared.  "What do you feel?“

"Anger.” I responded.  

“Good.” He said.

The weight dropped from in front of Kylo.  We were quiet for a time, and I stared at the weight, then up at him.  I shivered, and fell to the ground, tremors raking my body.  Something was wrong, desperately wrong.  

“What?  What is happening to you?” Kylo murmured, taking a step back.

I woke up to a man leaning over me.  He had dark eyes and hair, pale skin and wide lips.  I reached a hand up to touch his face, unsure if it was a mirage.  

“You’re awake.” He stated.  I couldn’t tell who he was from his voice, and I lifted myself up, still weak.

I reached into his mind, feeling for the emotions I was so used to being able to grasp easily.  He let me in, in return.  I felt a conflict, a warmth, a cold, a sense of dissatisfaction.  And a slight caring for the person in front of him.  It was like he was looking into the past, what and where he could’ve been.  He felt those things looking at me.  And somewhere in there was affection, and even hope.

“Where is he?  Where is Kylo?” I asked, my heart starting to beat faster with fear.

“I am Kylo Ren.” He responded.  

My eyes widened.  "What happened?“

I felt ill, worryingly ill.  I curled up on the mat and stared forward.  A memory was replaying itself over and over in my head.  It was one of my mother’s, from her father, from his mother and back along the bloodlines.  A woman knelt over her son, crying.  His body was missing its head.  And a voice echoed the same words over and over, "He was weak. He gave into the dark side.  We couldn’t let him live.  I’m sorry, so sorry.”

“Sorry, so sorry,” I echoed back.  I looked up at Kylo, and he leaned over me, taking a glove off the feel my clammy skin.

He entered my mind, and began to shake as I did, the memory manifesting physically.  He removed his hand from my head.  "Your society was a cruel one, wasn’t it?“ He said, and lifted me up into his arms.  

"Sorry, so sorry,” I repeated again.  

“Why do you have memories that aren’t yours?” Kylo asked me.

“They were given to me.  From my people.”

“How?”

“My society is force-sensitive, to a small degree.  All of them.  Not enough so to ever be found, ever be searched.  We were left alone by sith and jedi.  We were alone.”

“So you were given their memories?”

“The memories were passed down blood lines.  And when we knew the world was going to end, all of them were passed to me.”

“It seems your ‘inherited’ memories were triggered.  Your society, what was it?”

“It was home.”

“Why would they want to hurt you like that?  Why would they want to stop you from what you are?”

“They knew, they knew.  I was weak and they knew.  They didn’t want me using it anymore.  Not without the fate.  Not without the belief.”

“What do you mean?” Kylo asked, reaching both hands around me as I went to hold my head in my hands.

“If I have no faith, I’ll give into the light side or the dark side.  Either or.  And both are wrong.”

“So they cursed you.”

“They knew I was weak.  They knew I would lose faith.  So they gave me the memories to stop me from being anything at all.  They wanted to save me.”

Kylo suddenly held me closer, an action quite unlike him.  "I will figure something around this.  You are my apprentice.  I will not let this go on.“

I stood in the training room, meditating on the memory that was echoing through my head.  I would often lift the weight and move it, before the memory would come back and I would let the object go, sending it crashing to the floor.  I would struggle through the shivering, and it would become too much.  Then in time, it would lessen, and I would go back to moving the weight.

I was thinking about the whole ordeal.  This whole situation.  I was raised with the idea there was no free will.  Only fate.  It was to protect me from the destructive nature of choice.  And now I was beginning to choose, for myself, try to use the force with intent other than keeping with the consistency of fate, the memories would start up.  They would play on and on.

It was a protective mechanism.  In order to hold society steady in me, they left me without the ability to act with intent.  To be and live with myself.

I looked over at the weight again, and thought to move it with no intent at all.  Simply believing the fact it had to move.  It shifted slightly, but had none of the strength of moving it as anger or passion had.

I focused again, thinking about how Kylo looked when he leaned over me.  How kind he seemed for a moment.  Even protective.  And I hoped for a moment on the possibility of friendship, some sort of kindness I could lean on, a sense of care when it came to me.  I thought about how I would and could do the same for him, could give him the same kindness, reciprocate the sense of protectiveness.  I thought of how I would like to help him, as he tried to help me.  And I tried to move the weight with the intent of making him proud, making his life easier, proving I was more than my inherited memories.  Proving something to both of us, despite what memory I would trigger.  Despite the way I could end up shivering on the ground.  Only with the intent of doing something for him.

My mind switched to another memory, an old one, one my own.  I was lowering Dap’ne slowly to the ground, trying to save her from the fall.  I wanted nothing but to make sure she was okay.  And when she softly landed on the ground, and I ran to her side in a few strides.  I checked her over, moving her body into my lap.  And she reached a hand up to my face, not thanking me, but not needing to.  The moment was intimate.

And the weight moved.  And my body shook with not the same fervor as before, but with something else. Again, I was on the floor, gasping for air.

Kylo, with his mask on, entered the room, followed by General Hux.  I turned to them, using my hands to push myself from the fetal position on the floor.  "The Supreme Leader wants to meet with you.” Kylo said, taking my arm and leading me from the room.  Hux followed on my other side, his face hardened.  I shook suddenly, and Kylo put an arm about me. I refused to collapse to the floor, refused to show my own weakness.  

Kylo and I stopped for a moment, as I bent in at the waist, choking on air.  Hux stopped after a few steps, realizing we weren’t by his side.  He came to my side as well, taking my other arm.  

“What is this?” He asked Kylo.

“Her memories- they’re attacking her when she tries to use the force.”

“She moved objects in my quarters- she seemed quite able.”

“I was thinking of the fate, thinking of my fate.” I said, quietly, trying to straighten myself.

“That useless belief?” Hux laughed.

Kylo Ren turned to him, and I could almost feel annoyance coming off of him.  It felt like humidity.

“You keep trying to override the memories.  Why?” Snoke asked me.

I looked to Hux, and he nodded, understanding slightly, a small smirk covering his face.

“As I have said to the General, I am more than what I was raised as.”  I was trying not to lie, trying not to portray my unresolved intentions.  I needed time. Time to figure this out.  To stop the shaking, or to leave.  I needed to decide whether or not to continue a dead tradition or become deadly myself.

“Why do you want to turn to the dark side?  Why do you want to use the force, even when it hurts you?” He asked.

I shook my head.  "I was taught I had no choice.  That fate was the dictator of all my actions.  And now I get choice.  Now I deny fate.  I have free will.   I have the option to go the light side or the dark side, the option to live or to die, on my own terms.“

"What will you chose?” Snoke asked me.

“Whichever one gives me the most power.” I replied.  Hux’s face, as I could see in my peripheral, seemed to turn ever so slightly to view mine.  His eyes were alight with interest, even a small look of respect. I tried to not show even the slightest pleading look, even show half of what was going through my head.

“If you choose the light, I will have you killed.” Snoke said.

Control your expressions.  Control your expressions.  Don’t show fear.  Don’t show weakness.  They don’t survive here.  They are emotions to solicit a reaction from the merciful.  And this -man? Was anything but.  "And I understand that.  I get to choose whether or not I live or die.“

"So what do you choose?” The Supreme Leader questioned.

I smiled a little, brushing my hair back with one hand.  Appear calm, appear in control.  A shiver racked my spine, its fingers touching every vertebra.  "May I have time?  May I train first?  May I enjoy the fact I get to decide the biggest decision of life: whether to end it or not?“

"You seem to revel in the uncertainty.” Snoke commented.

“I do, Supreme Leader.  It’s fascinating.”

“I believe that this- independence will serve as a catalyst, it will make your powers grow at an even faster pace.  I will allow it, for the time being.  I want to see how you turn.”

“And what will we do about the memories?” Kylo Ren asked.

“Do you have any theories on that, Y/N?” Snoke turned to me again.  The man, the leader, seemed to enjoy my oddities: how I was seemingly reacting to this new life.  I tried to take confidence in the fact I was not completely lying.  I tried to take confidence in anything.  And what touched my memories suddenly was a vision of my mother, a young girl but undeniably her.  She was holding my grandfather’s hand, looking at him as he held onto her. They spoke quietly, such so I couldn’t understand what they were saying.   But the feeling rushed through me: affection, safety.  

              "It’s how my people punish my free will.  And free will is not something I want to give up.  I know how to remove them, or at least give them to someone else.  But that person would have to be force-sensitive, and then we would reach the same dilemma again.  Not supposing you want me to inflict these mementoes on anyone else, I will try to fight them myself.”

“And if you do not succeed, you will be useless.  And I have no need for extra parts.” Snoke replied, implying the worst.

I bowed my head slightly, and with a wave of his hand, I was dismissed.  I turned my head to look at Kylo, staring up at the masked man.  Then I looked at Hux, who shot me a small glance, and I gave him a smirk in return.  I moved away from both of them, back to my own room this time.  I was exhausted, face breaking down as I thought over the conversation.  

 

I missed my people.  Even when they were in my head, even when they were too much. I missed my mother, her soft smile, her look, how she moved among the village.  What would she think of me now?  Would she blame me for all of this?  Would she blame me for my change of heart, for how I changed so easily?  Would she think I was weak? 


	5. Face It, Without Fear

In my own room, a place I had barely visited since coming on the ship, except to sleep, there was a cold meal waiting for me.  I dove into it, wanting something to stop the shivering that was still shaking my body.  I huddled on the floor, and took my head into my hands.

Kylo didn’t knock as he entered, simply came in without asking, easily able to figure out the pin number.  I sat on the floor where I had eaten my meal.  I leaned against the wall, staring out at the unknown stars and constellations.  

He removed his helmet, and sat down next to me.

“Are you scared?” He asked me.

I didn’t take my hands from my face.  

“I can’t sense anything from you.  You seem to be blocking yourself out, or your memories are.  The inherited one.  But I can see your face.  When you aren’t put on the facade.  I don’t understand your expression.”

“I’m not asking you to understand.  I’m not looking for someone to understand.”  I threw back.  

“What are you looking for?”

I knew I couldn’t answer that.

“Was it power, like you said to the Supreme Leader?  Or free will?”

“Leave me.” I said.

“What are you hiding?  What are you trying to be?  What are you even in the first place?”

“Do you think it’s really worth it?  Being able to choose?”

He stared at me for a while, before offering some semblance of an answer. “Supreme Leader knows it.  He knows choice is tearing my apart.  He knows the pull of the dark side and the light side is tearing me apart.  He knows I’m weakened.  He knows I’m lost.  Maybe that’s why he likes you.  You enjoy the tearing, the stretching, the pain.  Or at least you said so.”

“I don’t Kylo.  Before I came here, I didn’t have much choice in life.  And that was good in some ways.  I hadn’t killed anyone.  I hadn’t had the choice to do so.  And now-”

“And now you had to make the choice to kill.  I forced you to make that choice.”

“And it was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

“Killing never gets easier.  Never.  Not even with exposure and time.  You just learn to do it faster.”

I shook my head in my hands.  Then I knew what to be.  I knew what had to be done.  

I looked over my shoulder, taking my hands from my face.  “I want one thing, Kylo.  One thing and I will turn on both fate and free will.  Take me home one last time.  Let me see the ruins.  And then I will answer everything.”

I stood on my planet’s surface, looking at the burnt bits of what used to be my home.  Kylo Ren stood beside me, wearing his mask and breathing softly.

“Take that off.” I said.

“Why?”

“You are being disrespectful.”

He took it off without ceremony.  He put in on his seat in the ship, following me out into the green.  

“Why come back here?  Do you think you can rid yourself of the memories?”

“In a way,.”  I said.

“What are you thinking?”  He asked.  I began to collect wood from the ruins of my village.  

“I will tell you when you do this for me, Kylo.  Get some wood.  We are having a bonfire.”

We sat by the flame, it played off our faces, making them seem red and burnt.  The light was still soft, night just settling in.  

“Take my hands in yours.”  I said.

“What are you doing?” He asked me.

“Kylo, listen to me.  And try to listen carefully, mindfully.”

He nodded.

“I can give you these memories, I can give you this protection.  I can give you the little that I have.  You won’t be torn apart anymore.  You won’t have to suffer anymore.  I can give you an out.”

“What are you saying?”

“Accept my memories, and live for once.  Live without the pain of decision.  Without feeling like you have to serve the light side or the dark side.  I can help you, Kylo.  I can.”

He stared at me, all wide eyes and indecision.

We were quiet, my offer hanging in the air.

I wanted to say more, explain it over and over.  What I could give him.  What I could end.  But there was no point.

Ren took my face in his hands, and for a moment I feared him.  Then I let that moment pass.  

“You are offering to cripple me.  To hollow me of what defines me.”

“I am offering you life.  Life like you have never known.  No one in your head.  It’ll be quiet.”

Kylo stared at me, searching my face for something.

“And what will become of you?”

“I will ask you for one last thing, Kylo.  But only if you accept my offer.”

The night was in, and the stars shown above, my constellations, my life.  And I knew what I was giving up.  Kylo didn’t know yet, but I understood.  

“How will it work?”

“Give me your hands, and I will pass them to you.  Just open your mind.  Open and wait.”

By the end of the ceremony, I couldn’t recall the memories that I had shivered with only hours before.  I couldn’t remember anything but my own memories, and even those seemed shadowy, as if they had faded like old pages of a book.  I looked up at Kylo, taking my hands from his, and moving them to his face.  

We sat there for a moment.  I gave him everything.  He had protection now.  From Snoke.  From choice.  And in my head, there was no boundaries.  There was no shaking or shivering, as I turned to the fire.  I extinguished it with a look, and all that was left was embers.

“It’ll be calm now.” I said.  

“Thank you,” he whispered, and took me in his arms like he had done once before.  

I looked up at him, my head on his chest, and wondered if he would be safe now.  If I had saved him.  Saved a man a loved in some ways, because I knew him like I knew myself, and hated in others, for the same reasons.  

He looked down at me with admiration, and tilted me up, kissing my lips softly.  I hadn’t been kissed since Dap’ne.  I hadn’t felt that warmth for so long.  And I kissed him back, let my hand find the back of his neck and rubbing it with my thumb.  

We parted lips and I leaned my head on his chest again.

“One more thing, Kylo.  One last wish.”  I asked of him.  I stared at him, eyes pleading.  “You know what they would do to me.  You know what will happen when they find me.  And they can now.  I don’t have the memories to protect me.  Snoke will sense me.  Kylo, please.  Kill me.”

He stared at me, eyes wider than even before.  

“Kylo, don’t make me die by their hands.”

“We can find Luke.  Find you a teacher.  Find you something to save you.”

“No, Kylo.  This was my fate.  This was my purpose.  And I am weak.  I will lean to the side that gets to me first.  I have no safety.  No camouflage.”

“There is another option, another way.”

I shook my head.  

“We can fly far away.  We can be safe.”

Again I shook my head.  He wasn’t understanding.   I would make a target on his back, I would be the light that showed the enemy where he was. I would be both of our deaths.

“My mother once told me something, and I know you know it now, but it’s important.  She once told me to trust the fate.  Even when it seemed too difficult.  Even when it seemed for the worst.”  

“Are you scared?”

“I don’t know.” I said.  “I want my mother.  I want my people, my village.  I want to be home.”

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“What for?”

“I killed everyone in your village.  I put them all to death.  I knew I had to.  It was-”

“It was fate, that’s it.  It was what had to be done.”

“You forgive me?” He asked.

“No, Kylo.  I don’t.  I can’t.  But now, you can’t hurt anyone.  You can’t be a weapon.”

“But what am I now?”  He asked.  I understood what he meant.  How could he go home?  Go back to a mother and a family?

“You’re safe.  From yourself.  From Snoke.  From choice.”  I said.  

“Where are we going to go?” He asked.

“If you can’t kill me, I’m going to stay here, until they come for me. You’ll figure out where to go.  Even if it seems like it will be for the worst and painful, you’ll figure it out.  Don’t tell me, though.  When they find me, I don’t want to give them a chance to find you.”

He nodded, slowly.  

Eventually he went back to his ship.  And I watched him take off and go somewhere far away, somewhere I hoped they could never reach him.

And I waited.  I waited for the First Order to find me.  I watched the skies, filled with stars my mother had taught me the names of, waiting for a ship to come down to take me away again.  I hoped they would kill me.  I hoped they wouldn’t try to turn me to the dark side.  I hoped that my fate was something that would lead me down a path my mother, my village, could be proud of.  And all I could do was wait.


End file.
